Happy Sunday to all – today we’ll be wrapping up the Great Eight of HESSET64FCBHV, or March Madness as the athletically inclined folk call it. Let’s check out this round’s results.
For the DC Hero Championship, #1 seed Superman and #3 Wonder Woman worked out their sexual tensions through an array of longing looks and judo throws. While Diana has the height and reach advantage, Kal-El has the variety of super powers to keep her at a distance. But for every heat vision blast, Wonder Woman counters with unmatched physical intelligence. Impervious to everything but magic, Superman handled everything she dished out. Not even the unexpected appearance of Medusa’s head could stop the Last Son of Krypton. Battered and bruised, Wonder Woman collapsed from exhaustion. Superman wins.
Over in Metropolis, Black Bolt and Iron Man wrassled for the Marvel Hero Championship. Keep in mind that Tony is not only an alcoholic, playboy, technological wonder, but also a darn smart guy. So Tony has drawn the conclusion from Black Bolt’s earlier matches that he simply needs to silence Black Bolt and victory will be his. In advance of the contest, Iron Man crafted a Stark Industry Noise Nullifier (patent pending) using technology too complicated for you to understand. As soon as the bell rang to start the fight, Tony flipped the switch and no matter what Black Bolt said his voice was neutralized. With much flourish and showmanship, Iron Man swooped in for the victory on the apparently weaponless Black Bolt. But Tony has forgotten about his opponent’s ability to manipulate matter and jam frequencies. In rapid succession, Black Bolt countered all of the armor’s functions, and whispered “Rope-a-dope.” Good night Tony. Blackagar Boltagon will face Superman in the battle of the strong silent types.
The island nation of Genosha lived in fear of the final battle of the Marvel baddies. Magneto and Cassandra Nova faced off in Gotham City. Looking to recreate her successful strategy in Genosha, Cassandra had rebuilt the secret Master Mold to make new Sentinels to distract Magneto as she tried to worm into his mind. Posed and prepared, Magneto repelled the Sentinel attack muttering “16 million, 16 million, 16 million.” Magneto’s power seemingly grew as he got angrier. Rather than pulling out Cassandra’s ferrous compounds from her blood, Magneto increased their density and volume, crippling the most fearsome mind. His opponent disabled, Magneto moves on.
And in the final battle, Brainiac and Lex Luthor faced off in Fawcett City. For all of his human perfection, Lex is still a biological creature with emotional weaknesses, and Brainiac tried to manipulate his most significant – ambition and confidence. Relying on Lex’s aggressiveness, Brainiac let Lex perceive a physical weakness which was in truth a trojan horse. Using his latest battle suit, Lex began to draw down Brainiac’s energy core but instead opened himself up to a sleeper nanovirus. The virus, a modification of the technology used to shrink Kandor, reduced Lex to a microscopic being of no threat or risk. Given his virtual disappearance, Lex loses and Brainiac faces Magneto in the Final Four.