March Madness – Thursday Night Results

We’ve had a full night of action here at HESSET64FCBHV, and we’re happy to report the results for our faithful readers.

Let’s first turn our attention to the DC Hero Bracket in Follywood, Calfurnia (home of Captain Carrot) where #1 seed Superman took on the underdog #16 Plastic Man.  Kal-El showed tremendous restraint in quickly dispatching Plas, and while the contest was made more entertaining by Plas’ antics, he was more a Washington General than Harlem Globetrotter.  Superman wins in a blow-out.

Later that evening on the same court, #8 Big Barda and #9 Hawkman tangled in the contest of exceptionally cool and complicated headwear.  Just when it would appear the Hawkman would win the match, the two were challenged to cogently recite their continuity and legacy.  Hawkman withdrew.  Big Barda advances to face Superman in the round of 32.

Over in Mega-City Two, the first match featured #6 Flash and #11 Blue Beetle.  In what should have been a battle of the brainy scientists between Barry Allen and Ted Kord turned out to be a dud with the arrival of the current Blue Beetle, Jaime Reyes.  Jaime, acknowledging the superior brain power of the Flash, leaves contentedly on the arm of Traci 13.  Everybody is a winner, but the Flash moves on in the contest.

The second contest in Mega-City Two was between #3 Wonder Woman and #14 Green Arrow.  Ollie clearly had a strategy laid out with a quiver full of new “special” arrows, but Diana’s speed and defensive prowess proved too much for the archer.  A steady barrage of deflected projectiles fell Green Arrow, and Wonder Woman will face the Flash next.

Civic City is the site of the first two battles in the Marvel Hero Bracket.  The day’s first contest was #5 seed Storm and #12 Daredevil.  Matt was simply overwhelmed by Storm’s ability to manipulate the weather, disrupting his ability to “see”.  The conflict quickly deteriorated to a battle between Morlocks and the Hand.  Ultimately Storm (and her followers) prevail.

The nightcap in Civic City was a classic battle of David and Goliath, with the agility of Spider-Man and the unsurpassed brawn of the Hulk.  As you might expect, this didn’t last long.  Hulk came out swinging like, uh, um, the Hulk and Spidey was able to avoid the most damaging of punches.  What appeared to be artful dodging by Spider-Man was in fact the weaving of an elaborate web that eventually felled the Hulk.  Upset victory goes to Spider-Man who will face Storm in the next round.

Would we something similar happen in Mega-City One when #7 seed Rogue faced off against the powerhouse #10 Thing?  After receiving their fight instructions from the referee, the two shook hands, and came out swinging.  The Thing began to holler “It’s Clobberin’ Time!” but slumped to the mat.  Rogue stands victorious, albeit with a slight complexion problem.

Who will face the rocky Rogue in the next round?  Seeds #2 Iron Man and #15 Hawkeye found themselves exchanging in a long-distance shoot-out, but Tony’s superior maneuverability bears out and Clint’s arsenal runs out.  Sorry Marvel Smart Ass, but Iron Man advances.

Ivy Town bore witness to two brutal and quick matches.  The session featured the #8 seed Brood Queen and #9 Kingpin, which ended quickly with the sudden devolution of Wilson Fisk.  Apparently in advance of the match, Kingpin had been unwittingly impregnated by the Brood Queen, and now finds himself a Broodling.  Equally lopsided was the battle between top seeded Cassandra Nova and #16 seed Arcade.  With a simple smile, Cassandra was able to take over the mind of the dapper Arcade, leaving him an empty suit.  The two powerful parasites will clash in the next round.

And despite the potential, the battles in Riverdale proved no more dramatic.  Seed #3 Magneto could have quickly dispatched his metallic and frequent robotic foes, but spent the better part of the match making them punch themselves.  Growing tired of the entertainment, Magneto compressed the Sentinels down into very chic business card holders to give to the other Brotherhood of Evil Mutants for Hanukkah.

The match between #6 Sinister and #11 Norman Osborn featured an initial refusal to participate by Osborn – he believed he should be included with the Heroes, not the Villains.  And then something happened with Sentry, the Iron Man armor, some Wolverine-type but with tattoos and just two claws, Loki, Ares, and a number of other very convaluted plot devices that confused Sinister so much that he decided to stop following the story and started to spend his money on Johnny DC comic books.  Norman Osborn and Magneto face off in the next round.

Opal City hosted the clash of the night in the DC Villain Bracket when the might of #6 seed Black Adam tangled with the guile of #11 Shade.  Drawing upon his hometown connections, Shade was able to overwhelm Black Adam with his Darkland demons.  With a tip of his hat, Shade bid farewell to Adam and cryptically asked him to say thanks to Dr. Sivana before Adam disappeared into inky darkness.  This ranks as the greatest upset of the night.

The match between Batman’s two greatest foes, #3 Joker and #14 Ra’s al Ghul, ended before it began.  Ra’s al Ghul offered his resignation to Joker at the onset reminding him that “he might have won the battle, but not the war.”  With as serious a face as he could muster, the Joker asked Ra’s to say hello to Talia.  The Joker advances.

In Freedom City, #7 Mongul and #10 Gorilla Grodd traded both powerful blows and length soliloquies about self-confidence, but the match turned with the introduction of Black Mercy by Mongul.  Grodd’s powerful brain fought against the enticing fantasy world of the parasitic plant, but soon he was living in a world where the human race has been eradicated and banana slushies are abundant.

The technological tangle of #2 seed Brainiac and #15 Mirror Master was short-lived as Mirror Master was overmatched, and quickly assimilated into Brainiac 13.  So, it will be battle of Superman enemies – Brainiac and Mongul – in the round of 32.

Tune in tomorrow for more!

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